Monday, January 31, 2011

Happy...content....and healing

Every once and a while I have flash backs to rough times last year (post traumatic depression maybe?)...and usually I will remember a situation where I was struggling with my life, fighting or being taken advantage of, or drinking a lot to cover up whatever issues were going on...but this morning was different. I was driving to work and I, for some reason, thought about a time in 2009 when I was on the metro by myself crying, drunk, and texting my friends that I hated my life and wanted to give up...obviously the next day, my closest friends were very concerned but I wrote the depression off to being drunk...another time I actually told people I was trying to end my life and decided to drink my way there...luckily, I ended up passing out on the floor before that happened. Now usually when I have flash backs to hard times such as these, I think of "shoulda coulda wouldas" and then try to think about how maybe those experiences helped me become stronger. But this morning, I felt like I hardly knew the person I was thinking about. I honestly do not remember what those feelings felt like...what that honest to god struggle with life or death felt like...what that cry for attention felt like...and most importantly, I've forgotten what accepting sadness feels like. When I was driving to work this morning and realized that I no longer even know the girl that I was a year ago, I knew that my "new me" had been complete....I knew that the happiness I feel on a daily basis has finally completely internalized itself and I am whole-heartedly happy. It is sort of a weird feeling...I am sitting here thinking of the time that I sat on the bed with the bottle of wine, sobbing hysterically and giving up on myself...and I feel like a third party spectator...I can't even feel those feelings anymore (nor do I want to) and I don't even remember what that girl felt...what it feels like to be at rock bottom. Wow.

I won't say it's been an easy journey...nor will I say I don't still question myself or hope for different improvements in my life...but I am a new person. The transformation I have made in the past year, is now stunning myself. And I hope that this will give some confidence and support to anyone who is thinking they are at rock bottom and have no way up. There is most certainly a way up...but it takes work. You cannot expect your life to change without you making an effort and sacrifices. I retired from drinking, changed jobs, ended a terrible relationship, lost and gained friends, moved apartments, and fell in love** (I actually forgot the drinking part when I initially wrote this sentence...I guess that is telling on how I have accepted that as a part of my life now). But through each of those steps (and probably noted in my blogs) I recognized how they made a difference in my they helped me become happier...and appreciating each of those steps and understanding why they were right for me. And also realizing that I deserve each of these things...why? Because I am a good person...always have been...just got a little lost and confused along the way.


** I know I write about being a strong and confident women that does not need a man...all of which are very very true. But when you have reached that confidence and accepted yourself...and THEN you find a significant is amazing. All I will say is that my boyfriend is amazing, he has supported me throughout all of these inner battles, and I love him dearly. I am a very very lucky girl. (I hope this isn't like a blog curse and now my relationship will go up in flames, hahaha)

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