Thursday, June 24, 2010

Change is good...confusing and complicated...but good.

Haven't blogged in a while and I am bored as hell at work since I gave my two weeks notice, so I figured I'd write :) Things are going VERY well. I got a new job with an organization that I believe I will LOVE doing something that truly interests me. I will start that in two weeks. Next week I am heading to fabulous Vegas for a week long, much needed, vacation with the man. I will say that Vegas will probably be a pretty good test to staying sober but I am pretty confident in myself. All I ask myself is "will that make my experience better?"...and my answer is always no. I am also trying to do that with my daily life...and activities with others and I am finding out that it is kind of hard. I've realized that going from someone who was incredibly social and always planned stuff and always wanted to be out, to someone who is pretty content just relaxing has been not only a shock to my way of doing things but a shock to others. I've noticed that when I don't want to do something that others are doing, it is perceived in a way that makes it seem like I am bailing for all the wrong reasons (because I am shy, because I am depressed, because I am trying to please someone else), but really I am doing it because I honestly don't want to. For years I have done what other people wanted to...and yes I had a TON of fun doing it but in doing what everyone else enjoyed (making me pretty much enjoy everything), I lost who I was. And in an effort to find myself, I am saying no to things I genuinely will not find enjoyment in doing. Another thing I am realizing is that I have always pushed to do huge social events with tons of people and crowded bars and all...and I have realized (which may be a growing up thing) that I really just enjoy a few of my favorites and hanging out and having a lot of good laughs. It is easy to have a good time and doesn't require a lot of effort at just have to find the right people to do it with. And as we are growing older and having a thousand and one obligations it is getting harder and harder to get those groups of people together...but when you do, it is always a fabulous time. So I am quite content relaxing and enjoying me until those times come around. I think I am totally rambling whatever I am thinking at this point but hopefully it is making a little sense. I guess my point is that I am very happy right now...and it feels as though things are beginning to fall into place and my life is reaching the closest to normalcy that its been in a long time. I do think I need more sleep though. I think with the amount of exercise I do, I really need to make it a priority to sleep more. task...sleep.

I hope you are all fabulous as well and are having wonderful, hot summers.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Potential for the Positive vs. Negative

Luckily I have calmed down and brightened up since my last blog :) And today I came to some, not answers but lets say..., responses to my issues from last blog. I realized that my fear of failure is because I focus on the potential negative outcomes of my actions instead of the potential positive outcomes. And this stems from also being a "people pleaser" aka pushover and wanting others to view me in a positive light all the time. So for example...with drinking, when I would try and stop drinking I would think, "Well, what is the harm in one drink?", and the answer is "nothing", and "I'm worried if I don't drink then I will upset my friends and let them down". But instead I want to have an outlook of, "Well what is the positive impact of having one drink?", "nothing", and "If I do not drink then I will be happier with myself". I think this is a really good outlook for people who are trying to stop drinking and HAVE seen some positive results from it...because many times we are faced with situations where you just want to have one drink to relax, or fit in, or join in the fun, or because you feel socially pressured..and instead of thinking "what is the harm?", think "what is the good?". When I ask myself what good will come from drinking I immediately think "nothing" because the drunk me is out of control and does regretable things and that is not the life I want anymore. It is an interesting way to look at things (and chances are the rest of the world already does this haha, but my negative nancy ass is a step behind the rest) and I think it is putting my world in a brighter light.

So related to work...instead of saying "If I try to work on this project alone I might fail and be embarrassed and disappoint the bosses"....say "If I try to work on this project alone I may succeed and it may lead to a promotion". Get it? Fun little exercise, huh?

So now I am going to go off into the world with this, hopefully ever lasting, since of positivity and challenge myself to be more than I am. There will always be an excuse for everything but I believe that its when you overcome the excuses that you are really accomplished. Life is all about taking risks, and for 25 years I have avoided them...I have known deep down that I have the potential to conquer the risks, but the fear of public failure has always been to great. But I think that by quitting drinking, which is the one thing that everyone in our society does, I have already embraced public failure by fearing that I would potential be viewed as a loser or lame (which maybe I am to some), but overall that risk was a success in the end and that in and of itself should hopefully give me the strength I need to carry that confidence into the other weak and scared parts of my life.

Focus on the positive and don't be scared..because even if you fall and hit rock bottom, you can always get back up.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Quarter life crisis...

Blah. I am in the midst of a quarter life crisis...and the only solution I can come up with is to go on vacation for a very long time. I guess I feel like that will provide some clarity in my life...but I think that is just wishful thinking and another way for me to avoid life. Anyways..the crisis began last Friday. It was the start of Memorial Day weekend and everyone had plans to go out of town or go to some party or do something, and everyone's facebook status' were about getting wasted and doing fun stuff. So my plan was to clean my apartment, relax and chill with my boyfriend. But after I was done cleaning my apartment and sitting on my couch by myself I started to feel lost and like a giant loser. I felt like normally I would be invited to trips and parties and maybe I wasn't because I quit drinking, or maybe I wasn't because everyone was juts with their boyfriends or girlfriends, or maybe I wasn't because I had no friends anymore. Then I was invited to go camping ( now I have friends...thats a plus), so I agreed to go...then I thought about it and camping doesn't interest me at all. Hiking does, being active does, but not sleeping outside in dirt with bugs. So then I had an identity crisis and once again went back to the question "what are my interests?". For years my interests have involved drinking...because, let's be honest, no matter what you are doing, it's more fun drunk. Watching TV, going to the movies, walking around DC, playing games, being outside...all more fun drunk. Soo...without that added alteration, what do I really enjoy? (Luckily my boyfried book a boat trip with all you can eat crabs...which I thoroughly I at least solified some interests!).

So with that question already bouncing around my brain, I come to work...a place where I have become completely unmotivated and feel totally unvalued. So I tried to think about what parts of the job make me so upset, what I could do to fix them, and what type of job would make me happy. And I basically have no answers for any of those questions. I could probably create some more work for myself to keep me busy, but I don't want to. And I have no idea what type of job I would be happier doing. I honestly believe that I don't like working. (which is not normal, and probably very bad) Then I remembered the interview I had a couple of weeks ago where the lady asked me where I saw myself in five years (career wise), and I honestly had no idea. So now I am realizing that I have NO long term goals...I don't feel like these jobs are building blocks to a happier end result. For some reason I don't really see myself running a company or managing a lot of where do you go if you always want to stay on the bottom? And why would I want to stay on the bottom if I totally hate being unvalued and underappreciated?

Actually I think this crisis started last week at kickball when I totally screwed up and then realized I didn't know the rules and decided I hated kickball and never wanted to play again. I have a phobia of being bad at things and I guess I don't like challenging myself because of a fear of failure.

Ugh...anyways...quarter life crisis with no resolution except to move to Hawaii and wait tables.

Hmm..I am revisiting this post because I just thought of something. I don't like work because at work you are constantly being tested and constantly needed to prove your worth and abilty. Much like the kickball example, I don't like being tested in front of others and with work, if I just stay quiet and don't bring much attention to myself then I will neither fail or succeed. Which is probably why I hate work because I am bored but I am too scared to do anything about it. And probably no matter what job I am at (unless I think I am incredibly good at it) I will never try really hard out of fear and will always stay at the bottom and be invisible. If I was really good at something then I would want to do that for my job...but I don't think I am really good at anything...I thought going to grad school would fix that issue but I still don't think I am good at anything I learned from school...I am not anymore of an expert on anything...except taking notes and exams.

Ugh fuck.