Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Pretty hair

I think not drinking has made my hair healthier. Just wanted to share that bit of information.

Have a nice day.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Control & Rationalizing

So yesterday on my drive home along the Potomac River, gazing at Georgetown (definitely the only thing that makes my hour commute totally worth it), I realized something. I was trying to figure out why I am so overwhelmed with happiness at this whole sobriety thing, why I feel free and in control of my life, and why I keep reiterating that I am now responsible for my actions. Then I realized that it was because for the past year (and probably longer), I have been controlled and manipulated by my drunkenness, but not by myself but by others. The prime example is an incident that happened where I was accused of doing something while blacked out drunk, something that had a huge impact on another person's life, and something that truly made me reevaluate everything about myself. HOWEVER, who is to say whether or not what that other person said is really true, I was blacked out so I have NO idea what happened. But regardless, the person used arguably did (or did not) use this situation to their advantage, skewing the situation to put them in a good light and make me out to be the drunk, out of control, worthless individual that I began to believe I was. It seems like forever that I have heard things like "well you do that when you are drunk and it's annoying", or other negative things about myself that (in my opinion, because I am blacked out) have no control over. BUT now I do. So now, if that person was lying about what happened or if anyone has ever lied about what I have done while blacked out to be used against me and made me to feel ashamed and like a bad person, they can't do it anymore! Now (good or bad) I can justify my actions and defend what I have done because I am completely aware of it. I am no longer a victim of manipulation or being taken advantage of. And that, my friends, is why this is so important to me.

Second realization has happened over the past couple of weeks. I have noticed that everyone has to rationalize their actions with the actions of others. Which is understandable. You want your decisions to be the best decisions, and if someones decision counters yours, you want to be able to rationalize that your decision is still the best. However, there is NO need to vocalize your rationalization. Some of it has been associated with drinking...for example, people rationalizing to me why they drink and why its not okay that I don't drink. And it is completely fine that you drink, but do not put me down to make yourself feel better. But also just with daily activities...for example, I was at a meeting and was talking with a girl who woke up at 4:30 in the morning to catch a train into DC to get to work by 7:30, and I was just saying that I had driven in from Arlington that day. And before even asking if I hit traffic (which I didn't, it took like 10 minutes), she started justifying why she took the train to avoid the mess of traffic that I clearly had to of endured to get into the district. Now honestly, it is fine and dandy if that is your choice of lifestyle and transportation but do not assume that in every situation your decision to wake up at the asscrack of dawn to take the train is always better than driving. Be self assured people! Be confident in your decision to do whatever it is that you do. And if you aren't...then maybe you need to reassess your decision. And be mindful!! It is unnecessary to put other people down because you need to make yourself feel better.

Now I am done with my realizations for the day :) Hope they made a little bit of sense.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Dating Without Liquid Courage

So I have had some dating/hooking up experiences sober, and I am happy to say all went well! I really think that this entire process has made me more confident and, I believe, down to earth. I know it may seem odd to be perplexed or nervous at the thought of dating sober, but think about it. When is the last time (post age of 21) that you have gone on a date and not ordered a drink? Hell, half of dates ARE going out for drinks. And personally, I would have a drink while getting ready FOR the date. And I think I sort of trained myself that that is the way it was supposed to be. That I had to have a drink or the date would be awful and awkward and I wouldn't say anything. Or that not drinking on a date was stupid and childish. (yes, all of these thoughts are ridiculous...but nonetheless..) I won't go into detail about the dates, in case one of these lovely men happen to read this blog and view my big mouth as a turn off :). But I will state a couple things. One...I feel like the waiter feels more confused then my date and I. I think ordering a drink at a nice restaurant is pretty much standard, unless you are preggers. So I think my paranoia with the opinion of the waiters is something I need to gain some confidence on. Second, the guys must be happy that I am saving them at least $10, and that's if I only got one drink. And third, it is so easy to blame things on alcohol (like I have said over and over), and if a date goes bad because you were too drunk, OR it goes really well, but you were drunk so who knows if he likes the real you...the luxury of not drinking is that you don't have those doubts. You are just you. And I think for me, and always having this idea that people liked me more drunk- and that idea being reinforced by past boyfriends- this experience has been huge. Also, I thought it was incredibly sweet when a guy ordered a soda. I honestly would not mind if the guy was drinking when I wasn't, but I think it is very thoughtful and mature to pass on the drink, at least one time :)

And as I said before, I was very concerned that the whole not drinking would be a turn off or weird guys out...but thus far, I have proved myself wrong and have found nice guys that could care less. So...yet another milestone in this wonderful, interesting, life changing journey. Another drinking myth/assumption debunked and ANOTHER positive found :)

I will however try to do something more interesting for my next blog, so you guys can have a funny story instead of me rambling about happiness and the meaning of life...haha.


Friday, August 13, 2010

8 Months!!

Today is my 8 month anniversary of being sober :) Also Friday the 13th but I will ignore that. I've decided I need to think of something to do on each anniversary. I would say treat myself to something but I am broke, and I don't want to necessarily reward myself for it...this isn't like a reward type of an accomplishment. More like I should do something that I couldn't do had I still been drinking...or reflect on how wonderful the past months of sobriety have been. I guess this morning I had a good workout, which I wouldn't have done had I been drinking with my friends last night. And now I will reflect :)

So the past 8 months, I have not had one regret of my decision, not a single one :) I have had just as much fun, if not more fun!, at every thing that I have done (involving others drinking or not). It has made me realize a TON about myself, a ton about my friends, a TON about society as a whole. I've experienced a concert sober, Las Vegas sober, beach trip sober, tons of bars sober, hooking up sober, Weddings sober, bachelorette parties sober, holidays sober, and the least goes on and on. ALL of these things are things that some people could never imagine doing sober nor would they ever want to. But in all honestly, everything was still just as fun! I know things would have been different had I been drinking but other than people getting a tad annoying by the end of the night, nothing was different. Over the past 8 months I have struggled to find new hobbies since everything I did before involved drinking and I felt kind of lost and like a loser. But I have realized that I have always had hobbies and those hobbies have actually stayed the same...some of them have a different appeal to them, but they are still the same. I have always enjoyed being active, I have always enjoyed my friends, and I have always enjoyed music...and I still partake in all of those activities..I just have the luxury of remembering everything the next day (sometimes, my memory still does suck!). I guess now I am to the point where I don't realize that I "don't drink", but I realize that others do. Like, it is no longer a concern to me that I don't drink when I go somewhere and I am not really thinking about how I am the outsider when I am at a bar or something...but, I have noticed that others are still distracted by it or concerned by it. So trust me, I don't feel weird, I don't dislike you for drinking...just do you because that's why I like you and am hanging out with you :)

In conclusion (yea 8th grade English class writing techniques!), I am very happy about who I have become and what I have learned over the past 8 months, and I am even more excited to figure out more things about life and about myself in the next 8 months. I have realized that while my friends are aware of my decision, the rest of the world isn't...and this decision is never going to go on the back burner of life. I will be confronted by my decision forever, at social events, at my wedding, meeting new people, when I have kids...and at all these moments I will have to reassess why I made the decision, decide how to explain my decision or defend myself, how to explain instead of preach...and I hope that at each of those moments, I reflect on this moment and remember how happy I am and remind myself that the life I lived prior to December 13, 2009 was stressful, unhealthy, unhappy, and dangerous...and the life I live now is none of those things (well maybe stressful because that is life and maybe dangerous because I am a bad driver..haha).

Cheers :) Life is too short to be anything but happy. Do what makes you happy and those that love you and like you for you, will continue to stick by your side.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Blue's Clues

The title is kind of irrelevant to the subject of this blog but I just thought it sounded cute. (actually that title has inspired me to make a list of my recommendations/advice on life and I will title it "Blue's Clues"...oh how cute!) So I have two topics I'd like to discuss that I could break into two blogs, but I won't cause I am crazy like that. First of which being evolution and obesity, and second of which being alcohol and my health. Not exactly funny topics but hopefully mildly insightful!

So I am reading a book about evolution and I got to the section describing the "Survival of the Fittest" idea...that over time those that have the strongest cells and are most healthy, live on and reproduce, thus passing their healthy, strong genes along and continuing the creation of fit beings. Those that are unhealthy are weeded out and die, and are unable to fight for survival. Now...which one do you want to be?? If you think about it, at this point in time we are the fittest of the fittest...our ancestors have struggled through life, fighting off diseases and growing over time mentally and physically to create the society that we have now...made up the fittest of the fittest with the knowledge to survive. HOWEVER, we knowingly hurt our bodies. We knowingly take advantage of this body that has been given to us and abuse it by eating poorly, not exercising and smoking. If you really think about it, it makes no sense. People have struggled to survive...have searched for food, have longed for cures for diseases...and here we are sitting pretty, and eating our daily McDonalds and smoking our pack of Marlboro Lights knowing that what we do can and will end our life. Why has the mind shift changed? Why are people more focused to "survive" based on money and lifestyle and "things" as opposed to "surviving" based on actually surviving each day by being alive. Another example is drug addicts...they are given a body...and body that can survive, and they abuse it and become addicted to drugs, and become pregnant and give birth to a baby that is addict to drugs and eventually dies...portions of are society are no longer surviving as the fittest...they are dying off as the weakest. Please don't go down that route. Take care of your body because you only have one, and when you leave the world, wouldn't you rather leave behind a strong family that is healthy and will continue to live a long happy life when you are 100, rather than leaving behind a mansion or some nice cars at the ripe age of 50?

Now on to my second point...hopefully by now you are just enthralled with my intelligence and philosophies on life and cannot wait to here what other insightful things I have to say. Or you are taking a dump and need some light reading to pass the time...either way...thanks for joining me today.

Okay, so since quitting drinking I have noticed that my stomach has basically become sensitive to everything, literally everything. Now I do not think that all of these illnesses have been hiding for years and/or that alcohol has been the protecting factor for lactose I do think that (much like with personalities) alcohol has altered the reality of my body. I used to drink White Russians all the time, and I am guessing that they always hurt my stomach but I assumed I was just drunk or had a bad drink or was too drunk to care. And unfortunately I think that replacing alcohol with diet coke at the bars has made me super sensitive to the overload of fake sugar, and now that is hurting my a good lesson to live by is EVERYTHING IN MODERATION. But anyways...I just think that it is interesting that when I quit drinking all of these things about the real ME came to surface...physically, emotionally, mentally, and ever other -ally. Just food for thought :)

Hope some of this was mildly entertaining....or it helped you get through a boring work day or painful poop.


Monday, August 2, 2010

Squashing the Chatter

Hey friends,

Okay, so I have heard a ton of different things about me recently and some assumptions on why I am doing it or how I feel or, I am going to make some finalized statements and hope that people can just be happy for me instead of trying to find some negative aspect of everything.
1. I am NOT anorexic. I did not quit drinking to lose weight. I did not quit drinking so I could workout more. I eat. And if you have known me over the course of the past 5 years, you will realize that I eat more than I have before and am I less worried about what I eat, etc, etc. Please understand that I am small, my family is small, and by cutting out drinking (a HUGE consumption on weekends and some weekdays) I lost excess weight. As for the exercising, I am doing a bunch of races and I am training for them like every other person that does races trains for them (probably even less). And I love boxing. Again, if you have known me over the course of the past 5 years you will realize that I am not as OCD about exercise and I do not do two a days or hurt myself for it. I ENJOY EXERCISE. Maybe that is hard to believe for some people, but I find a sense of happiness from it (read previous blog!). I am healthy, people...
2. I do not care if other people drink. I am not judging anyone, and you don't need to watch what you say or do around me. If I leave somewhere early it's either because I am tired or people are kind of not making sense anymore...but I am not judging them! Like I have said over and over again, I am jealous of people that can handle themselves...but that's not me, and I am happy with my decision, and I am aware that it is MY decision and no one elses.
3. I am happy. This is not a phase, this is not me trying to get attention, this is not anything else you can think of. This is me changing something about myself that I have struggled with and dealt with the consequences of for years and years...and I am HAPPY. Honestly very happy with my decision. And I have no idea if I will ever drink again...for now, probably not.

So please, just trust me on all of those things. If you want, I will eat a lot of food in front of you or something. Although I am lactose intolerant so that limits a lot of stuff anyways...haha. But seriously, I am fine, I am healthy, I go to the doctor and if they tell me I am too small then I promise I will do something about it.

Just be happy for me...that's all I ask :)


PS- When I was anorexic my mom sat me down and had a talk with me and said she was worried about me and I looked emaciated, etc. My mom has seen me like 100 times since I quit drinking and has never said anything except that I am in good shape. So trust me, if anyone was going to recognize I had a problem, it would be my mother.