Sunday, January 31, 2010


I am so happy with my life right now. I went out today and tonight and we were with people drinking the entire time and never once felt the urge to drink and quite honestly had more fun than I've had in a while. And for the first time since high school, I was myself without alcohol. I was funny and outgoing and felt totally comfortable and I didn't need anything to help me. For 10 plus years I have used alcohol to help me get friends and completely used it as my social crutch to make me feel less awkward...and once I lost that, I realized that after moving to Arlington I really made very few close friends. All of my new friends were pretty much drinking buddies. And over the past two days I have hung out with tons of my former "drinking buddies" and actually had conversations and felt like we were good friends. I can't explain how happy this makes me. I felt accepted, and appreciated and wanted for who I am. I still stayed out till 1am and had a great time and will wake up tomorrow still feeling confident about the friendships that I built tonight...not worrying if I said something stupid, or wondering what we talked about, or feeling like it'd be weird to see them again.

I am ecstatic. I can honestly say that stopping drinking was the best thing I have EVER done for myself. My entire life is more clear now. My behaviors are more clear now. My head is more clear now. And I am enjoying every second of it. Because I went out tonight, to the bars, and had a great time with other people drinking, I now have absolutely no regrets to stopping drinking. Before I was worried that I would miss out on things. And now I know that I won't...AND I will actually remember them!! AND I now don't want a touch of alcohol to ever touch my lips because I know what I can be without it and that person is much better than what I was with it.

Ahh...I am so happy. So so happy :)


Monday, January 25, 2010

No More Excuses

Hey friends,

One of the most interesting things I have come to realize and probably one of the most beneficial things, is that I no longer have an excuse. I can no longer blame alcohol or being hungover for anything. I can't say things like:
- I shouldn't have hooked up with that guy but I was so drunk.
- I shouldn't have peed on that couch but I was so drunk I passed out.
- I shouldn't have eaten that entire pizza but I was drunk or hungover.
- I should have gone to work but I was too hungover and don't care.
- I shouldn't have gotten in that fight but I was drunk and emotional.
- I shouldn't have driven my car but I was drunk and thought I was fine.
- I shouldn't have...but I did.

Without drinking I don't have an excuse...I've lost that crutch that I have been using for the past decade. It seems nice (and more mature) to be able to say that everything I do and say is genuine, is who I really am, and is not altered or influenced by anything other than my emotions. However, it is a little scary to not be able to blame things on alcohol. For so long, I have rationalized my bad decisions with being drunk or hungover or something of the like...and now, it is all me. A clear head, clear actions and clear thoughts (minus the crazy girl emotions that sneak in their on a daily basis).

It is very refreshing to not be scared anymore. For a long time I have been scared of what would happen when I was drunk....would I spend too much money, would I break or lose my phone or camera, would I say something inappropriate, would I pee on someone's couch, or would I have sex with someone that I would regret in the morning? Now I know these things won't happen....well, these things won't happen without me making a conscious decision to allow them to happen...without me, in a fully competent state of mind, deciding that I will do them.

It is a good feeling. I am no longer hiding behind "Well I was drunk". All I can say now is "Well that's me". This is remixes...just me. No more blaming it on the a-a-a-a-l-co-hol.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What are hobbies??

One of the first things I realized when I stopped drinking was that I had no hobbies. Basically, ever since college everything that I have done has been related to drinking. Even when my friends and I would go to museums, we’d drink before….movies= drink before…dating= drink before…concerts= drink before…well, you get the point. And not to say that there is anything wrong with having a couple drinks before a fun event, but for me…these couple drinks led to blacking out. I actually used to enjoy going to concerts because I liked the music and because I loved dancing to live music…but recently, I have been blacked out for the main performances and don’t even remember anything from the concerts other then getting drunk. Which is a very upsetting realization to come to…my only hobby is drinking and I no longer enjoy things unless I am drunk. It made me feel as though I had lost myself…somehow I lost sight of the things that I used to enjoy and supplemented that feeling of enjoyment with alcohol, which obviously gives a false sense of enjoyment (or slightly altered I guess).

So…my first step (I’ve been racking my brain for a term other than “Recovering Alcoholic” and I can’t think of one…sooo, I will remain un-labeled, haha) was to find some hobbies. I have to say that finding hobbies when you are 25 years old is kind of hard/a tad embarrassing. I do love music, comedy and being active…but shows tend to cost money (which I don’t have)…and events tend to involve lots of drinking. So, thus far I have stuck with the being active hobby and have become really interested in boxing and martial arts.

I will have to say that my support from my friends with all of this has been amazing. A ton of people have said that they would love to do sober activities with me, and are also looking into cutting back on their drinking as well. So thank you all!!! I do think that this will only get harder though…I managed to make it through Christmas, New Years Eve, a bachelorette party, and a funeral….but all of those posed some mental struggles in their own way. For the most part the struggle is within myself…because I feel as though people are looking at me weird because I am not drinking or questioning why I am denying a glass of wine, when in reality, I highly doubt they even care. Secondly, I am jealous. After a couple of drinks, you realize that people are laughing at things that aren’t really funny and acting a fool for no reason…and I wish that I could be on their level of enjoyment…and it’s a struggle to rationalize why I shouldn’t. But so far…I have done well! Now I can only imagine what the rest of the year will bring me….(trips, concerts, birthdays, and weddings, OH MY!)

I guess I’ll get back to work. But please keep checking my blog and I’ll keep updating you on my awesome (totally unaltered) life, haha. And let me know if you have any hobby suggestions!! Reading was boring…I am not super artistic…and I don’t have a lot of money…and doing active things a lot is a strain on the body!

XOXO Blue.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Decision

Hey friends,

As most of you know, I have decided to stop drinking.... indefinitely. And as a way to sort of talk about what I am going through and make it more real, I've decided to blog about it (yes...if you haven't noticed, talking is my way of coping). I'd like to preface this blog by stating that this is not meant to offend anyone who drinks or does crazy things (to be honest, I am jealous that you are able to do that), but maybe it may provide insight or inspiration for those looking to cut back.

It is funny that all of my past blogs have been about my crazy drunk stories and how I am such a trainwreck. And now, looking back on that, I've realized that I was using the blog to justify my actions. If I had a crazy story (which in the back of my mind, I knew caused problems in my life or relationships with others) that people thought was funny and enjoyed reading, then at least there was a positive to my mistakes. I have realized that there will always be an excuse. (Sorry to get academic on ya...but) There is a theory that states that you will change your way of thinking to match your actions so that the two do not conflict and you will be content. So for the past 10 years, I have been rationalizing all of my drunk actions at the expense of my family, my friends, my career and my well-being. But deep down I always knew that I couldn't keep acting like this....I have always tried to run away or talk my way out of the drunk predicaments (peeing on couches, starting fights, hooking up)...but I have finally realized that I can't and shouldn't do that anymore.

So on December 13th, I committed sobriety to myself (no one else, because I need to do this for ME). Now wasn't that a long time coming!! I am sure that couches and beds across the nation are crying tears of joy, haha. So in this blog...I will be explaining my thoughts and the benefits and downfalls to staying sober. Now since I have been sober for a month now, I have some insight already but I want to keep you in suspense so I won't get into all of that now :)

But I will say, that I am incredibly happy. While it may be difficult to avoid huge drinking events, I may be jealous of people going crazy, and I may actually miss the taste of yummy drinks and nice wines...the pros of being sober FAR outweigh the pros of being drunk in my life. I have been able to realize who I am and what I want out of life without looking through the alcohol blurred lens, and I have been able to become myself and not need alcohol as a social crutch for my confidence and ability to be outgoing.

I am sad that I did not realize this sooner and I do apologize to all of the broken promises that I made about cutting back and never doing X, Y, and Z again. BUT I am SO glad that I made this decision for myself because it is never too late for a change...and I can only look at the past as a learning experience and maybe a way to help others like me. this awesome blog link to your favorites, check it daily or weekly, and give me any feedback you so desire! And as always, I will try to make it enjoyable and humorous, without all of the embarrassing stories (unless they happen sober which is highly likely!).

I love you all and appreciate the support :) Now lift your glass of water, soda, or O'Douls, and let's toast to 2010...the start of a new era in the life of a recovering trainwreck and newly established fabulous women.