So yesterday on my drive home along the Potomac River, gazing at Georgetown (definitely the only thing that makes my hour commute totally worth it), I realized something. I was trying to figure out why I am so overwhelmed with happiness at this whole sobriety thing, why I feel free and in control of my life, and why I keep reiterating that I am now responsible for my actions. Then I realized that it was because for the past year (and probably longer), I have been controlled and manipulated by my drunkenness, but not by myself but by others. The prime example is an incident that happened where I was accused of doing something while blacked out drunk, something that had a huge impact on another person's life, and something that truly made me reevaluate everything about myself. HOWEVER, who is to say whether or not what that other person said is really true, I was blacked out so I have NO idea what happened. But regardless, the person used arguably did (or did not) use this situation to their advantage, skewing the situation to put them in a good light and make me out to be the drunk, out of control, worthless individual that I began to believe I was. It seems like forever that I have heard things like "well you do that when you are drunk and it's annoying", or other negative things about myself that (in my opinion, because I am blacked out) have no control over. BUT now I do. So now, if that person was lying about what happened or if anyone has ever lied about what I have done while blacked out to be used against me and made me to feel ashamed and like a bad person, they can't do it anymore! Now (good or bad) I can justify my actions and defend what I have done because I am completely aware of it. I am no longer a victim of manipulation or being taken advantage of. And that, my friends, is why this is so important to me.
Second realization has happened over the past couple of weeks. I have noticed that everyone has to rationalize their actions with the actions of others. Which is understandable. You want your decisions to be the best decisions, and if someones decision counters yours, you want to be able to rationalize that your decision is still the best. However, there is NO need to vocalize your rationalization. Some of it has been associated with drinking...for example, people rationalizing to me why they drink and why its not okay that I don't drink. And it is completely fine that you drink, but do not put me down to make yourself feel better. But also just with daily activities...for example, I was at a meeting and was talking with a girl who woke up at 4:30 in the morning to catch a train into DC to get to work by 7:30, and I was just saying that I had driven in from Arlington that day. And before even asking if I hit traffic (which I didn't, it took like 10 minutes), she started justifying why she took the train to avoid the mess of traffic that I clearly had to of endured to get into the district. Now honestly, it is fine and dandy if that is your choice of lifestyle and transportation but do not assume that in every situation your decision to wake up at the asscrack of dawn to take the train is always better than driving. Be self assured people! Be confident in your decision to do whatever it is that you do. And if you aren't...then maybe you need to reassess your decision. And be mindful!! It is unnecessary to put other people down because you need to make yourself feel better.
Now I am done with my realizations for the day :) Hope they made a little bit of sense.
Hugs,
E
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