Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Quarter life crisis...

Blah. I am in the midst of a quarter life crisis...and the only solution I can come up with is to go on vacation for a very long time. I guess I feel like that will provide some clarity in my life...but I think that is just wishful thinking and another way for me to avoid life. Anyways..the crisis began last Friday. It was the start of Memorial Day weekend and everyone had plans to go out of town or go to some party or do something, and everyone's facebook status' were about getting wasted and doing fun stuff. So my plan was to clean my apartment, relax and chill with my boyfriend. But after I was done cleaning my apartment and sitting on my couch by myself I started to feel lost and like a giant loser. I felt like normally I would be invited to trips and parties and maybe I wasn't because I quit drinking, or maybe I wasn't because everyone was juts with their boyfriends or girlfriends, or maybe I wasn't because I had no friends anymore. Then I was invited to go camping ( now I have friends...thats a plus), so I agreed to go...then I thought about it and camping doesn't interest me at all. Hiking does, being active does, but not sleeping outside in dirt with bugs. So then I had an identity crisis and once again went back to the question "what are my interests?". For years my interests have involved drinking...because, let's be honest, no matter what you are doing, it's more fun drunk. Watching TV, going to the movies, walking around DC, playing games, being outside...all more fun drunk. Soo...without that added alteration, what do I really enjoy? (Luckily my boyfried book a boat trip with all you can eat crabs...which I thoroughly I at least solified some interests!).

So with that question already bouncing around my brain, I come to work...a place where I have become completely unmotivated and feel totally unvalued. So I tried to think about what parts of the job make me so upset, what I could do to fix them, and what type of job would make me happy. And I basically have no answers for any of those questions. I could probably create some more work for myself to keep me busy, but I don't want to. And I have no idea what type of job I would be happier doing. I honestly believe that I don't like working. (which is not normal, and probably very bad) Then I remembered the interview I had a couple of weeks ago where the lady asked me where I saw myself in five years (career wise), and I honestly had no idea. So now I am realizing that I have NO long term goals...I don't feel like these jobs are building blocks to a happier end result. For some reason I don't really see myself running a company or managing a lot of where do you go if you always want to stay on the bottom? And why would I want to stay on the bottom if I totally hate being unvalued and underappreciated?

Actually I think this crisis started last week at kickball when I totally screwed up and then realized I didn't know the rules and decided I hated kickball and never wanted to play again. I have a phobia of being bad at things and I guess I don't like challenging myself because of a fear of failure.

Ugh...anyways...quarter life crisis with no resolution except to move to Hawaii and wait tables.

Hmm..I am revisiting this post because I just thought of something. I don't like work because at work you are constantly being tested and constantly needed to prove your worth and abilty. Much like the kickball example, I don't like being tested in front of others and with work, if I just stay quiet and don't bring much attention to myself then I will neither fail or succeed. Which is probably why I hate work because I am bored but I am too scared to do anything about it. And probably no matter what job I am at (unless I think I am incredibly good at it) I will never try really hard out of fear and will always stay at the bottom and be invisible. If I was really good at something then I would want to do that for my job...but I don't think I am really good at anything...I thought going to grad school would fix that issue but I still don't think I am good at anything I learned from school...I am not anymore of an expert on anything...except taking notes and exams.

Ugh fuck.

1 comment:

  1. BLUE... I think you should become a teacher! You would be good... you are good with people... you have the education to become like a health teacher. Look into it!