Thursday, September 16, 2010

Who I Am, Not What I Was.

All The Above
Really what do you see
When you looking at me?
See me come up from nothing,
To me living my dreams
I done been to the bottom,
I done suffered a lot,
I deserve to be rich,
Headed straight to the top
Look how I ride for the block,
Look how I rep for the hood,
I get nothing but love now
When I come through the hood
Getting this fortune and fame
Money make all of us change
The new benz is all white,
Call it John McCain
How the hell could you stop me?
Why in the world would you try?
I go hard forever,
That's just how I'm designed,
That's just how I was built
See the look in my eyes?
You take all of this from me,
And I'm still gon' survive
You get truth from me,
But these rappers gon' lie
I'm a part of these streets
Till the day that I die
I wave hi to the haters,
Mad that I finally done made it
Take a look and you can tell
That I'm destined for greatness

Tell me what do you see
When you looking at me
On a mission to be
What I'm destined to be
I done been through the pain and the sorrow
The struggle is nothing but love (nothing but love)
I'm a soldier, a rider, a ghetto survivor
And all the above

Well that is just a great song that I heard this morning on my way to work and I felt like I resonated with it more so now than before. Granted I didn't grow up in the ghetto or experience the hardships that Maino did, BUT, I have had struggles, I have been to the bottom and suffered a lot, I believe I deserve to be rich and I know I am headed straight to the top :)

This blog is in response to the blog I wrote earlier about the domestic violence and my view on the phrasing and denial of the severity of what I experienced. I realized that I have conveyed the same emotions when discussing my drinking (or thinking about it). Meaning I tend to make things seem casual because I am worried about what other people think...if I give a neutral response than depending on my audience, my reaction can conform to their beliefs. For example, if I was with someone that thought I was a terrible drunk, then my action of quitting would make sense and they would agree I had a serious program...if I was with someone that didn't think my drinking was an issue, then my casual attitude would work with them and they would view my decision as a personal choice and not really stemming from deep seeded issues. Then I realized that there is always going to be someone who has had it worse than you...there will always someone that will make your experience seems less traumatizing, but that doesn't make them any less significant to you. Just because I wasn't beaten and bruised doesn't mean that I wasn't hurt in every sense of the word, and allowing another persons experiences to define your own is just stupid. There are always varying levels of hardship, but they are all hardships. I debated all of these definitions in my head, and decided on how to "term" myself and how to explain my decisions and what I experienced...I decided, who cares? Who cares about what I WAS? All that matters now is what I AM.

I am first a foremost a survivor. I survived college, graduate school, car accidents, robbery, emotional abuse, physical abuse, alcohol abuse, depression, anxiety, fights with friends, fights with family, and LIFE. Everyone is a survivor and that, in itself, is an accomplishment. I am happy with my life. I am successful in that I can sustain living on my own and have found a job that I find rewarding and challenging. I am healthy. I am funny. I am witty. And I will never let anyone tell me otherwise. An alcoholic or victim of domestic abuse I am not, maybe I was..maybe I wasn't...but I AM a survivor of both.

So I highly doubt that anyone else was debating on how to define ME, except my darling self. But if you ever care to define where I come from or why I do what I is because I went through some shit and I survived it...and because of the changes I made I was able to survive. It is kind of the greatest feeling in the world :)


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