Thursday, September 9, 2010

Time to get a little deep

For some reason I am compelled to discuss something I haven't yet discussed in my blog...the abuse from my past relationship. (so if you are looking for something light and cheery, you should probably stop reading now...sorry!) I think I have been thinking about it more because I offered to review and provide input to a Domestic Violence proposal that my company is writing to bid for a new contract. My issue with this is not the writing aspect, it's not the indulging of my life (because I offered this up on my own) is more so the internal battle I have with myself over whether or not I could consider myself a victim of domestic violence. Which could very well be a symptom of someone that was abused...but anyways. I think it begins with the worry that I don't want people to think I am crying out for pity or attention..and then if people do move past that, I don't want them to think I am making a big deal out of nothing because I don't in fact have any serious injuries. (Mind you, while I am typing this I am becoming more and more aware of how ridiculous it sounds...but that's okay...I will continue). All of this clearly stems from being self conscious of what other people think of me. And I would venture to guess that if you are willing to self identify yourself as being abused (even for a minute), that you probably were abused. Maybe it is the harshness of the word "abused". Maybe I don't want to admit to anyone (actually, more likely, myself because no one else thinks all these ridiculous thoughts) that I actually allowed myself to be abused...maybe I'd rather keep believing that it wasn't all that bad. Hmm...I think the embarrassment that comes along with this entire ordeal is another huge side effect. It is embarrassing to know that countless people told you to get out and you stayed...and why did I stay? Because I convinced myself that it wasn't that bad. I convinced myself that all the fighting was normal and tolerable and the emotional abuse would stop eventually and I could handle the physical abuse. That is ridiculous. I convinced myself that a lot of it was my fault and that I probably didn't deserve anything better. And the only reason I got out of it was 1. deep down I knew that that wasn't true, deep deep down I have always loved myself, and 2. I had friends and family that appreciated me (furthering the notion that none of the put downs were true).

I guess my point is that on any given day (when thinking about this part of my life) I am completely lost in competing thoughts...first being that I endured awful, life changing, pain staking, emotional and physical abuse that I hope no one else ever has to go through, second being that well maybe it wasn't all that bad because I never had a black eye or broken bone and I somehow I came out of the situation more confident then when I entered it, and third being I don't want people to think I am using this life experience for attention or pity (hmm, actually another symptom of the abuse). if you talk to me about this stuff (which I am more than willing to discuss) please remember that I may seem kind of casual about it but that's because I think part of me is still in denial, part of me is scared to embrace the shame, hurt, anger, hatred and embarrassment, and part of me doesn't want to make a big deal about something that is maybe nothing.

THANK YOU to every single person that helped me (even if I argued with you and didn't listen and you felt like you weren't being heard). On a more positive note, somehow I managed to come out of it a changed person for the better and remarkably self assured (sometimes haha), and hopefully my input on the proposal and future work on the project (if we get it) will help someone else.


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