Thursday, April 8, 2010

Taking Life for Granted

Well I finally had a sober Easter. Unfortunately, my grandparents have passed and my brothers couldn't make it home, so it was just me and my parents. Now, had I been a well controlled drinker the past couple of years, maybe I could have enjoyed the family time going to church and having breakfast together on Easter but NOPE. Two years ago I got hammered the night before Easter, came home and ate hummus and threw it up all over my room. The next morning I hid and had my brother tell my mom I was too sick to attend church and then threw out my pillows and cleaned my room when they left. And last Easter I decided to drive home from Bmore the night before while drunk and hit a mailbox. So the next morning I again, hid in my room and waited for my mom to notice the damage and then I tried to convince her that it got hit my a random driver in Baltimore, and I had to run down the street and hide the damage. Now how awful is that? If you really think about it. Granted these are funny stories, and at the time it doesn't seem important. But looking back, those could have been memories and quality time spent with my family that no longer exists in the same way, but instead it was a drunken debauchery of bad memories and no memory at all.

Although it is better late than never!

Also...the other night I was out being sober awesome me, my friends told me that they hoped (their dream for me) was that some day I could have a drink with them. Now while I guess that it is a nice thought...I guess they are hoping that some day I can control my drinking problems (seeing their comment as half full right now). But in reality, it sort of seemed like they were hoping that some day I could join the rest of the group again...some day I could be normal and have a beer. And that is really the main thought I am trying to steer away from. I don't want to feel like an outsider...I don't want to feel like people are judging me for not drinking. I am not sure if everyone understands what I am going for here and how I feel about the situation. Maybe before I was looking to control my drinking because I was a bad drunk. But now I have seen the benefits of not drinking and I am HAPPY and I don't want to drink again. Its not important to me anymore. I don't go out and long for the day when I can sip another nasty Miller Lite. I go out and long for the day when drinking is the center of everyone's life and when people stop worrying about me. And here is my little soap box for this issue...if it bothers you that I am not drinking, then please don't hang out with me. If you think I am boring or unentertaining sober and you miss "drunk Erica" then please don't hang out with me. I am very happy with my life right now and I really just hope that everyone can realize that.

I don't think anyone can realize what I was going through until you experience it. It is a very draining life to make mistakes Thursday-Sunday, apologize for them Monday-Wednesday and then do them all over again. And constantly be worried that someone is mad at you or doesn't want you around or doesn't want to babysit you. I don't have to deal with that anymore! I don't have that huge burden and I don't have to be paranoid about restraining myself from getting just isn't an issue!

And as always, I am totally not trying to insult everyone that drinks and think that I am some superior sober God. It's awesome that everyone can relax and have a good time. That's just not me. And it took me being sober to realize what I have been making excuses for for the past 10 years.

This is in college I used to have the following excuses:
- Blacking out= i had a bad memory and I started taking Ginkoba
- Peeing the bed= I had a weak bladder and suffered from incontinence. I actually debated asking a doctor about it but figured they would tell me to stop drinking...

And everything else I just blamed on the alcohol.

As always, thanks for all of the support :) Maybe someday I'll enjoy a glass of wine, but if I never do, I hope that's okay with you :)


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