Friday, October 8, 2010

I'm Me, What You Get Is What You See

(I believe I may have mentioned this notion before, so forgive me if this is a repeat blogs. But the odds that you have memorized my entries are very slim, so I should be okay haha)

Prior to my change/growth, if you will, I had a very "deal with me" mentality. I embraced who I was as a hardcore drinker, gossiper, emotional, and passive girl. Knowing that a good number of my qualities (most important being the drunk one) bothered a good many people in my life, I continued to stand by my "that is who I am, learn to deal with it" mentality. It seems strong and self assured. It seems like you are being intelligent by only wanting to surround yourself with people who can tolerate you and appreciate you, regardless of what negative/distructive behaviors you engage in. But in reality, all I was doing was rationalizing these behaviors. Knowing that my drinking negatively affected my friends and family forced me to (deep down) know that my behavior was not right. But saying F everyone else, this is me, and I am proud to be me, is a lot easier than trying to change. I think for a long time I forced myself to believe that this drunk girl was who I was, it was all I would be, and it was what I was good at. So protect myself and my pride, I created a tough girl image that was proud to be who I was, and assumed that if people really loved me, they would love me no matter what.

Yet, I changed and I am still me.

My point is that accepting change is okay. Dropping your guard, and allowing yourself to test out a new side of you, is okay. You will not lose yourself, and as long as you are doing it for yourself than you can maintain pride and self assurance throughout the change. I think more than anything, it is a mature way of thinking. At some point you realize (not everyone, but some people) that maybe their way of thinking or behaving isn't exactly correct, and maybe change wouldn't hurt. And I found out that being the real me, is a lot easier and less stressful than being the me that I thought I was and wanted to be for everyone else. I am not saying that everyone should think of something to change about themselves, because a lot of people have got it right already...I am saying, do not be afraid of it.

Sometimes we head down the wrong path and it is okay to turn around and change directions. You are still you. And as long as you carry your pride with all of your decisions, and make your life changes based on your own needs and wants...maybe you can keep the hard ass "deal with me" attitude, but for better reasons.


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