Monday, May 24, 2010

An insightful weekend!

Hey friends,

I had quite the insightful weekend filled with lots of fun with family and friends, boosts of confidence, heartache and tragedy. It began with a Friday night of festivities with the family for my brother's graduation from college. The more I hang out with my family the more I love them. I really realized that they are probably the group of people that I honestly feel most comfortable with. It is touching and uplifting to see the look in my mom and dad's eyes when I talk about my life and I can see how impressed and proud they are. And when I talk with my brothers, they seem to truly value my opinions. No matter what silly comments I make or life decisions I talk about, my family just seems to support and love me unconditionally. Plus we are all super sarcastic and incredibly a good time is always had.

Then Saturday night I ended up having a long talk with a friend about my decision to quit drinking cold turkey. He actually asked questions that I had never even considered myself throughout all of these months. The first of which was whether I considered myself an alcoholic. And no I do not. I do not believe by definition I am or have ever been an alcoholic...I think that I have an intense personality and when faced with the opportunity to drink I was not able to control myself...and I think that combined with my relatively low self esteem, need for approval, and drive to please other, I placed myself in very bad situations when I was drunk. So he asked if I ever wanted to have a drink again, or if a drink was placed in front of me could I drink it and react in a calm fashion or would I go off the deep end. And I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that I need control. When I had the sip of champagne in March and started to feel the effects, I felt completely out of control and anxiety consumed my every thought. So now when I see alcohol or contemplate having a drink in celebration or honor, I do not see the point at all. I have become content being sober and cannot think of one possible good thing that would come from me drinking any alcohol...other than "fitting in". I don't even get the relaxed feeling...nor do I ever want to "escape"...because it is the "escaping" that makes me feel out of control.

During this evening I was social and had a great time and felt confident around people that I had needed to drink in front of in the past. Initially I was very worried that I would have nothing to say or be awkward...and I realized that I was fine, and they enjoyed my company, and I really felt very confident and content at the end of the night :) neighbor for my entire childhood passed away on Thursday from a motorcycle accident. Last night I laid in bed and thought about how my brothers and I would make fun of him and his family (because they were a tad strange)...but I was very happy that regardless of the jokes behind closed doors I was always very nice and friendly in person. I realized that you never know when someone is going to leave your life, and there is no point in wasting that time together fighting or insulting one another. There is no point in being mean and using your energy in that manner when you don't know if that could be your last interaction together. I guess it goes along with the saying "live everyday like it's your last"...but instead "live everyday like it's other's last". That way you are appreciating everything and making each moment you spend with people enjoyable. Granted this is totally impossible for some instances...but I would imagine that if you kept this idea in the back of your mind, it might stop you from making pointless jokes or mean comments, or having fights with no resolution.

Oh and one more thing...when I used to drink and people would question if I could handle my alcohol, my response was always "don't doubt me". And internally I was actually very defensive and wanted to show that I was hardcore and could hang. This weekend I realized that that can still be my motto...but in regards to sobriety. Don't doubt me. Don't doubt that that crazy girl you once knew will still be crazy and fun, but will have a good head on her shoulders and her shit together :)

I will say that since I am sober, I can't use alcohol as an excuse for stupid comments so people are noticing my natural retardedness :) But if you don't know ME, you can't love ME.


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