Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Exhausted...and for what?

I have come to realize (well not really a realization but more of an acknowledgment) that I have spent much of my life trying to please others. For as long as I can remember I have felt as though making other people happy was what I was good at and that in turn made me happy. For years I have gone where others wanted to go, let people use my things, changed my plans for others, and done and said what others wanted to hear. I not only change my activities to please others, but I base my life on what others will approve of...for instance, what hair cuts to get, where to go to school...and more. I guess when we were younger this did make me friends appreciated me and confided in me and enjoyed my company...but as we've grown older I have realized that this lifestyle no longer fulfills my life. I have realized that all of the people I have cared deeply about and have always tried to please to make myself feel good, have other lives and find happiness in more people than just me. And I am in no way complaining, I am just realizing that as we grow older everyone is moving on...creating families and careers and new friends and significant others...and what am I left with?

Am I left with regrets of what I should have done for all this time to make myself happy? Never. But I am left with the reality that while those things made me happy in the short term, I was never working on myself for the long term. Taking care of someone else will only give you so much happiness...because when they leave you high and dry and you are left alone, you find yourself feeling lost and trying to find out what makes you happy. I believe that this will be a hard habit to break, and I fear that in my next relationship I will become a doormat again and will conform my life around theirs and I need to work hard to prevent that from happening.

I feel like I am sort of like the character Julia Roberts plays in Runaway Bride...what kind of eggs do I like? What kind of wedding do I want? And what kind of activities do I enjoy? I've realized that for as many times as I have put someone else first, they will never put me first...which is a good should always look out for number one...because if you don't, you will be left like me. I don't believe I will ever give up my appreciation for making other people happy...because I do believe that the gift of love and support is a wonderful one...but I know that right now I need to start making up my own mind and looking out for myself. One person can only give so much before they are exhausted and have nothing left to give.

I love everyone close to me and I always will, but I think it is time that I love myself more.


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