Every once and a while I have flash backs to rough times last year (post traumatic depression maybe?)...and usually I will remember a situation where I was struggling with my life, fighting or being taken advantage of, or drinking a lot to cover up whatever issues were going on...but this morning was different. I was driving to work and I, for some reason, thought about a time in 2009 when I was on the metro by myself crying, drunk, and texting my friends that I hated my life and wanted to give up...obviously the next day, my closest friends were very concerned but I wrote the depression off to being drunk...another time I actually told people I was trying to end my life and decided to drink my way there...luckily, I ended up passing out on the floor before that happened. Now usually when I have flash backs to hard times such as these, I think of "shoulda coulda wouldas" and then try to think about how maybe those experiences helped me become stronger. But this morning, I felt like I hardly knew the person I was thinking about. I honestly do not remember what those feelings felt like...what that honest to god struggle with life or death felt like...what that cry for attention felt like...and most importantly, I've forgotten what accepting sadness feels like. When I was driving to work this morning and realized that I no longer even know the girl that I was a year ago, I knew that my "new me" had been complete....I knew that the happiness I feel on a daily basis has finally completely internalized itself and I am whole-heartedly happy. It is sort of a weird feeling...I am sitting here thinking of the time that I sat on the bed with the bottle of wine, sobbing hysterically and giving up on myself...and I feel like a third party spectator...I can't even feel those feelings anymore (nor do I want to) and I don't even remember what that girl felt...what it feels like to be at rock bottom. Wow.
I won't say it's been an easy journey...nor will I say I don't still question myself or hope for different improvements in my life...but I am a new person. The transformation I have made in the past year, is now stunning myself. And I hope that this will give some confidence and support to anyone who is thinking they are at rock bottom and have no way up. There is most certainly a way up...but it takes work. You cannot expect your life to change without you making an effort and sacrifices. I retired from drinking, changed jobs, ended a terrible relationship, lost and gained friends, moved apartments, and fell in love** (I actually forgot the drinking part when I initially wrote this sentence...I guess that is telling on how I have accepted that as a part of my life now). But through each of those steps (and probably noted in my blogs) I recognized how they made a difference in my life...how they helped me become happier...and appreciating each of those steps and understanding why they were right for me. And also realizing that I deserve each of these things...why? Because I am a good person...always have been...just got a little lost and confused along the way.
XOXO
** I know I write about being a strong and confident women that does not need a man...all of which are very very true. But when you have reached that confidence and accepted yourself...and THEN you find a significant other...it is amazing. All I will say is that my boyfriend is amazing, he has supported me throughout all of these inner battles, and I love him dearly. I am a very very lucky girl. (I hope this isn't like a blog curse and now my relationship will go up in flames, hahaha)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
"How you gonna win when you ain't right within?"
I can say with complete confidence that running keeps me balanced, happy, and (possibly) sane. Earlier this day I was in a bit of a funk...as I stated in my earlier blog, I have been struggling with gaining weight..and today it was having an effect on my mood. I think anyone who has had eating issues will forever have them...and they only become harder when you are coming to terms with gaining weight. Regardless of what anyone tells me, accepting being of a healthy weight and not the stick I was over the summer, is something that I will have to do myself...I do believe that it isn't impossible...but it will take time...and continual personal growth.
However...in the midst of this funk, I decided to go for a run outside. The first run outside in at least three weeks...the first run outside with melting snow on the ground...and the first run in a long time that has made me feel completely whole and happy. As soon as my feet hit the ground, the cold wind blew against my face, the Bob Marley Pandora mix played on my headphones, and the puddles of melting snow hit my calves...I felt calm, collected, and in a pleasant state of euphoria. With the cold weather I have been trapped running on a treadmill, and coming off of an injury I have been running shorter distances...but today, I was free. I felt like a pup that had been caged and was finally able to run outside and play. I sprinted up and down hills, I dodged puddles and ice patches, I sang along to the relaxing tunes of reggae, I smiled at other runners and received compliments from the local homeless....all of these things turned my funk into pure bliss. And to top it off...the sun started to set on my way home....in my last half a mile I stared at the gorgeous orange sun set over the DC trees. This, my friends, is my happy place.
Now I understand that running isn't for everyone...but I would like to encourage everyone to find a "happy place" for them that doesn't involve alcohol. I know that it is hard when you are upset, tired, bored, really anything..not to drink to pass the time and emotions. But when you find an activity (be that running, cooking, reading, yoga, etc) it can be an amazing remedy for the "not so hot" feeling. So take a moment and think of something you enjoy...something that relaxes you...and go do it..you deserve it!
Lastly...last night I went to a great party with some of my most fabulous friends and saw some of these gorgeous, smart, funny girls letting boys (not men) and alcohol ruin their night. I know a big part of being upset was being drunk...but I'd like to reinforce to every girl reading this...you are beautiful. You are strong, you are funny, you are smart, you are independent, and no boy is worth your tears...and more importantly NO boy should ever make you question any of this attributes. Unfortunately, girls get a lot of their confidence from guys liking them...unfortunately, most parties serve the purpose of finding a guy or girl to like, and unfortunately, the number of worthless asshole guys seems to increase as the days go by. It takes very strong girls to realize that they are worth a lot, and to brush off any guy that doesn't agree....it takes very strong girls to love themselves regardless of love from anyone else...and it takes very strong girls to do what makes them happy and be who they want to be. Do it. At the end of the day, it is you...no one else...that looks in the mirror and reflects on your day and how you spent it....make the most of each day with things YOU want to do and things you care about. Make yourself happy. :)
Now I know this is coming from the girl who started this blog saying she was upset about her weight (thus not practicing what I preach) BUT outside of this small issue, I have learned over the year to be happy with myself, surround myself with people that are happy with me, and to continue to make myself happier. It's hard work...it's a different mind set...but it can be done. Love yourself :)
XOXO
However...in the midst of this funk, I decided to go for a run outside. The first run outside in at least three weeks...the first run outside with melting snow on the ground...and the first run in a long time that has made me feel completely whole and happy. As soon as my feet hit the ground, the cold wind blew against my face, the Bob Marley Pandora mix played on my headphones, and the puddles of melting snow hit my calves...I felt calm, collected, and in a pleasant state of euphoria. With the cold weather I have been trapped running on a treadmill, and coming off of an injury I have been running shorter distances...but today, I was free. I felt like a pup that had been caged and was finally able to run outside and play. I sprinted up and down hills, I dodged puddles and ice patches, I sang along to the relaxing tunes of reggae, I smiled at other runners and received compliments from the local homeless....all of these things turned my funk into pure bliss. And to top it off...the sun started to set on my way home....in my last half a mile I stared at the gorgeous orange sun set over the DC trees. This, my friends, is my happy place.
Now I understand that running isn't for everyone...but I would like to encourage everyone to find a "happy place" for them that doesn't involve alcohol. I know that it is hard when you are upset, tired, bored, really anything..not to drink to pass the time and emotions. But when you find an activity (be that running, cooking, reading, yoga, etc) it can be an amazing remedy for the "not so hot" feeling. So take a moment and think of something you enjoy...something that relaxes you...and go do it..you deserve it!
Lastly...last night I went to a great party with some of my most fabulous friends and saw some of these gorgeous, smart, funny girls letting boys (not men) and alcohol ruin their night. I know a big part of being upset was being drunk...but I'd like to reinforce to every girl reading this...you are beautiful. You are strong, you are funny, you are smart, you are independent, and no boy is worth your tears...and more importantly NO boy should ever make you question any of this attributes. Unfortunately, girls get a lot of their confidence from guys liking them...unfortunately, most parties serve the purpose of finding a guy or girl to like, and unfortunately, the number of worthless asshole guys seems to increase as the days go by. It takes very strong girls to realize that they are worth a lot, and to brush off any guy that doesn't agree....it takes very strong girls to love themselves regardless of love from anyone else...and it takes very strong girls to do what makes them happy and be who they want to be. Do it. At the end of the day, it is you...no one else...that looks in the mirror and reflects on your day and how you spent it....make the most of each day with things YOU want to do and things you care about. Make yourself happy. :)
Now I know this is coming from the girl who started this blog saying she was upset about her weight (thus not practicing what I preach) BUT outside of this small issue, I have learned over the year to be happy with myself, surround myself with people that are happy with me, and to continue to make myself happier. It's hard work...it's a different mind set...but it can be done. Love yourself :)
XOXO
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