Exhausted...and for what?

I have come to realize (well not really a realization but more of an acknowledgment) that I have spent much of my life trying to please others. For as long as I can remember I have felt as though making other people happy was what I was good at and that in turn made me happy. For years I have gone where others wanted to go, let people use my things, changed my plans for others, and done and said what others wanted to hear. I not only change my activities to please others, but I base my life on what others will approve of...for instance, what hair cuts to get, where to go to school...and more. I guess when we were younger this did make me happy...my friends appreciated me and confided in me and enjoyed my company...but as we've grown older I have realized that this lifestyle no longer fulfills my life. I have realized that all of the people I have cared deeply about and have always tried to please to make myself feel good, have other lives and find happiness in more people than just me. And I am in no way complaining, I am just realizing that as we grow older everyone is moving on...creating families and careers and new friends and significant others...and what am I left with?

Am I left with regrets of what I should have done for all this time to make myself happy? Never. But I am left with the reality that while those things made me happy in the short term, I was never working on myself for the long term. Taking care of someone else will only give you so much happiness...because when they leave you high and dry and you are left alone, you find yourself feeling lost and trying to find out what makes you happy. I believe that this will be a hard habit to break, and I fear that in my next relationship I will become a doormat again and will conform my life around theirs and I need to work hard to prevent that from happening.

I feel like I am sort of like the character Julia Roberts plays in Runaway Bride...what kind of eggs do I like? What kind of wedding do I want? And what kind of activities do I enjoy? I've realized that for as many times as I have put someone else first, they will never put me first...which is a good thing...you should always look out for number one...because if you don't, you will be left like me. I don't believe I will ever give up my appreciation for making other people happy...because I do believe that the gift of love and support is a wonderful one...but I know that right now I need to start making up my own mind and looking out for myself. One person can only give so much before they are exhausted and have nothing left to give.

I love everyone close to me and I always will, but I think it is time that I love myself more.

Hugs,
Blue

Being the better person...who benefits?

Recently I have encountered a couple of situations where I have decided to be the better person (in my eyes). The first of which I was completely bitched out in public by a friend of a friend and called a "fucking cunt". Now initially I was just in total shock and speechless...like did this really just happen at a Mother's Day event in front of children?!? Then I went through a bunch of things that I could scream back or write back in a bitchy email but decided not to stoop to her level. Then I was asked to discuss some past drama with a friend and was basically told how I had been a crap friend for the past year. And again, I decided to withhold my comments about how that person had hurt me because I didn't want this to turn into pointing fingers...but what for? I've realized that I keep holding in my feelings because I don't want to belittle someone else just to make myself feel better or to get something off my chest...I know what it feels like to have people insult you and how hurtful it can be and I don't want to do that to someone else...so I keep it in or try to say things in a respectful way. But I am a little exhausted from taking all of the abuse and all of the accusations and the name calling and the finger pointing...and keeping my opinions in because I DONT want to hurt them the way that they are hurting me.

I think they are a lot of notions to come from this. First, is it necessary to put someone down to make yourself feel better? Do you really need to get something off your chest so badly that you'd do it at the expense of another person with NO real result or resolution coming from it? Second, should I be preserving someone elses feelings when they clearly don't give a shit about mine? How beneficial is it to be the "better person" when you are the only one who thinks you are acting that way?

I guess what I am saying is before you decide to speak your mind think long and hard about what will come from it. If you have NO intention of speaking your mind for the purpose of resolving an issue, then shut up. If you are going to speak your mind when you know that you have done wrong doing as well but are not going to acknowledge that, then shut up. If you are going to speak your mind to someone that you know is already going through a lot in life and may not be able to handle another thing, then shut up. And if you are going to speak your mind PURELY to make YOURSELF feel better, then shut up.

I know I have been the better person in many situations. And at some point I am sure it will benefit me. And until then I will use my therapy sessions to talk about how everything in life is my fault. Thank you to all those that wanted to speak their mind.

Blue.