Anxious.

Anxiety. Do you suffer from it in some way?

I wonder if anxiety has become more prevalent because of social media and being competitive damn americans. Now your entire life (if you want it to be) can be posted for the world to see...so there is a constant strive to be the best, look your best, be doing the most interesting things, be hanging out with the coolest people, and to be succeeding in all the right ways. And what about when you meet someone for the first time...what do they ask you? What do you do and where do you live? Both status questions. And what do people ask you when you are in a relationship? Have you talked about getting married or moving in together? No wonder we are anxious...at any given moment someone is going to track your life, ask you a tough question, and then analyze your answers and make some conclusions/opinions about you.

But are all people as evil and competitive as I make them seem? Probably not. Your biggest critic will always be you. You will over analyze the job you have, you will dwell on your appearance, you will critique your relationship and compare it to everyone elses, and you will wonder if at the end of the day, you are the best you can be. And YOU will create all the unnecessary guilt and anxiety that comes along with negative conclustions to all of those assessments.

This week I have been trying to think less about my eating and just listen to my body and appreciate food, life, and everything else (this relates to the first part of this blog, I swear). And then one night I was home alone (when the usual overeating occurs) and I ate dinner, ate snack, ate dessert, and (obviously) felt like complete crap afterward. I immediately started thinking about the next day...how could I make this up...well I will eat nothing but egg whites and fruit, I will go to the gym twice...oh screw it, it doesn't matter, I already messed it up...no, I will make it up tomorrow, just keep eating now. This is the internal dialogue. Followed by...crap, I am going to the beach this weekend, what will I look like in a bathing suit, I've gained weight since the last time I wore a bathing suit, maybe I shouldn't eat much for the rest of the week, I heard sweet potatoes suck in your excess water, what if I can't run every day at the beach. And this was more internal dialogue. And then I made it stop. I grabbed a pen...wrote down these thoughts...wrote down more rational thoughts...and finished with the actual reality of the situation. I am my biggest critic. I allow the anxiety to complete consume me and determine my lifes actions. And when it comes down to it, no one will really care how I look in a bathing suit, it won't matter this weekend if I ate crap this week, and I am healthy.

Not 100% sure where I am going with this post...except to vent about anxiety and hope that maybe my struggles resonate with others. It's hard. It seems stupid to say but it is hard to be a 20 something girl in a city full of other 20 somethings who are just as smart and beautiful...and it is hard to keep a strong hold on your confidence and remember your unique talents and the aspects of you that make you who you are. And I bet it only gets harder...next we will be mothers, in cities full of other mothers who are healthy, successful, great mothers, "superwomen", and maintaining their 20 something body. So I would imagine that now is probably a good time to start working on the issue of comparing myself...and starting to be my biggest fan instead of my biggest critic. Yup, that is it. Time to be my biggest fan.

You should be yours too.

XOXO