I believe that (unfortunately) I have body dysmorphia. This is not a blog to complain about my lovely eating "issues", but more so to raise some awareness and to give some support and comfort to anyone else who feels this way. I do think that eating disorders (again, unfortunately) never go away...and I have noticed that I have become, again, more concerned with how my body looks. I think that, as I have said before, gaining weight (even if it is to be healthier and supported by all the important people in my life) is very difficult to accept. And regardless of what anyone else says, I am still very self conscious and very aware of any changes in my body. Now, the reason that I think I have body dysmorphia is simple (and common)...I do not see the same thing that others see. Case in point was this morning...I literally looked in the mirror and thought "wow my face looks chubby" then 5 minutes later looked in the same mirror and thought "hm my face actually looks skinny today". That, my friends, is body dysmorphia. It's not crazy, it's not for attention, and it's not absurd (because I am a small person)...it's a disorder. It is a symptom of my anxiety manifested in an obsession with my body shape. And it is a consuming aspect of someones life. It is very difficult to feel a sense of anxiety each time you eat, and feel a sense of paranoia when wearing tight clothing. But it doesn't have to be this way...
Body issues (at least for me) are rooted in anxiety. And when I am feeling great with my body is when I am feeling confident overall. Confidence is the root of so many evil things. Confidence can make or break everything including relationships, jobs, family, and happiness. Confidence can be shattered by those around you and reconstructed by those that matter. And confidence is what I am working on. I know that I need to focus on being okay with my appearance and when I do that, the rest will fall into place. I know I am my own biggest critic and I know I see things differently than others. And (as with many things) acknowledging the issues is the first step. I am hoping that from now until the summer (when things get more stressful and wearing a bathing suit becomes the focal point of life) I can work on being okay with myself, understanding that I am healthy and in amazing shape, and being happy with who I am and what I look like. I am 100% confident that this is possible...and (as I mentioned before and stopped doing) it will begin with making positive remarks to myself in the mirror...contradicting the negative and positive every time...and focusing on my assets. This is my goal. And I hope that this can be the goal for my other fabulous friends that are worried about their body. Fight the hate on yourself :)
XOXO
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