** I'd like to preface this blog by saying I am not trying to bother anyone with this post about gaining weight. I know that weight loss is a sensitive subject with a lot of people and if you think me talking about gaining weight would upset you, please don't read this. Thanks :) **
Since August I have been trying to gain weight. Yup, that's right. While the rest of the world is on a track to losing weight, I am trying to plump up. And fortunately (maybe unfortunately?) I have been successful. Okay let me back track...when I quit drinking, I immediately dropped a lot of weight because I stuck with my normal workouts (with probably more workouts since I wasn't hung over ever and was training for a marathon) and wasn't consuming any extra alcohol calories. A lot of people commented on how small I was but I sort of took that as a compliment and thought nothing of it...until I went to the doctor. He advised that I gained 10 lbs, and so I did.
Now let me just tell you, that when you are trying to lose weight for the past 10 years (all through college and beyond), to switch to gaining weight is a very hard thing to grasp. Not to mention that I have always struggled with an eating disorder/body image "issue" (if you will) and I strongly believe that, for most people, while the actions may go away, the mental angst of a skewed body image will probably always remain somewhere in the back of your mind. So I am going to tell you my thoughts and feelings on this issue, in hopes that writing it (because I write better than I ramble/speak) helps me handle some of these thoughts...
When I started gaining weight, I set a top weight goal that I vowed not to exceed. Well I have exceeded it. And now a lot of my pants no longer fit (mind you, these pants were bought when I was tiny and are probably tailored for 12 years olds...but still..). I do think that the clothes issue is a big one because regardless of how small the clothing is, if it is snug on my body and making me feel uncomfortable, I will feel like I've gained too much weight. So today I dug up an old pair of work pants and threw them on, and I feel great and confident....so I guess that may be the cure to that issue (ohh how I despise buying new clothes every couple months I gain or lose!).
The larger fear I have is this...will I stop gaining weight? Since I have started gaining weight, I have steadily gained weight the entire time...and I am very concerned that I am just going to continue to slowly get bigger and bigger until the point where I am very displeased and uncomfortable. I am confident that with my love and commitment to exercise and relatively decent (minus the holidays) eating habits, this won't be an issue...BUT, considering it was so easy to gain...what's to say I won't just keep gaining? One could argue that my body needed the extra weight I have put on and maybe now will plateau once it's reached its level of healthiness...but I could argue, then what about obesity?
I believe what is the hardest to handle is the simple concept of gaining. While the entire rest of the world is trying to lose and trying to eat well and exercise and be smaller, I have been trying to gain. Ahhh, yet again, I go against the norm!! And knowing how it felt to be skinnier, and how I looked at that weight...I won't lie...it is hard to look in the mirror and not compare myself. While I know I am healthier and (hopefully) more attractive, it is still difficult to accept the change as a positive.
Now, after I have typed all of this (and hopefully not completely annoyed or appalled you), I do feel better. I have compared pictures from the summer and I do think that I look a lot better now, and I am sure I am healthier and stronger....and I am sure over time I will become confident with who I am. And hopefully with a healthy diet of moderation and exercise, and NOT dwelling on everything I put in my mouth, I will maintain my healthy weight and be okay. Here's hoping :)
XOXO
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