A Motto to Live By

"It's never too late for change"

A lot of things recently have made me assess how I am viewed by others. Things such as meeting new people (what kind of first impression do I make?), a radio discussion on what defines sexy (how do I carry myself?), trying to get ahead at work (do I appear to be an intelligent 'go-getter'?), and then lastly the damsel in distress persona that I've so carefully crafted for myself (can that be changed?). And all of those things led me (as usual) to a self evaluation and analysis.

As I have grown in the past year, I have internally gained a strong sense of confidence and in the past couple of months have worked to make that more externally apparent. I think the insecurities were led by a mixture of hiding behind electronic forms of communication and alcohol. I remember in middle school being quite confident and vocal and self assured, and then somewhere in high school I can remember this going away. Part of the reason (I believe) was my desire to please others. For some reason (probably stemming from some childhood incident, as all things do) I became somewhat apathetic and decided it was easiest to go with the flow...this way more people liked me because I rarely disagreed with their ideas and opinions, and I didn't have to struggle with making decisions for myself. I think this is best exemplified in the fact that I applied to all of the colleges my friends were going to and didn't even bother doing research or visiting any to make a decision for myself.

So after developing this laid back attitude, I started using letters, emails, and texts to vocalize any discontent that I felt. So basically I was able to be a hard ass on paper but once someone tried to talk face-to-face I completely caved and went back to agreeing with everyone. And then, of course, I used alcohol as a crutch but I think I've discussed that enough :). Now, ultimately I don't think this attitude choice that I made really affected too much because, for the most part, I enjoyed what my friends did and didn't like arguing anyways. And I do believe that if I was strongly opposed to something that I did say something. But I have realized that this attitude has left me with this helpless, indecisive persona. As I have said before, I have always made fun of myself as a way to deal with (ignore) the serious issues in my life. So by never making my own decisions and continuing to make stupid ones (and make a joke of it) when I do, I think that a lot of people view me as being pretty incompetent...like a little child that needs guidance or something awful will happen. Now granted, this may have been true (and sometimes still is) BUT through all of these adverse experiences and rude awakenings, I have learned a lot and am a lot more knowledgeable than I think people make me out to be.

I don't always state my opposing opinion if I know that the topic is near and dear to someones heart or they are a little self conscious about the issue, because I don't really see the point in bursting someone's bubble if the issue isn't a serious one. And I sometimes let people help me out when I really don't need help, because I think it makes people feel good to help others...and it really isn't hurting me. BUT, I would just like to say that for the record (haha) I am a pretty smart cookie, I always learn from my mistakes (even if it takes a while to sink in), and deep down I kind of know I am pretty awesome and a force to be reckoned with ;)

And to circle back around to the first line...I don't believe it is ever too late for a change. As I have said before, my current view on drinking has changed from "why not" to "why do it"...and it keeps me in check. I believe that also applies to this lackadaisical attitude I had before..."why not just go along with the crowd, it won't hurt anyone"...as opposed to "why do it? how will being helpless and apathetic help me?". The hardest mind to change is always going to be your own. And your perception of yourself will always be the hardest, most critical one. I believe that once you have YOUR mind focused and have a confident perception of yourself, the views of others will fall into place. And coming from experience I think that developing external confidence is just as hard as developing internal confidence, after living a life of being quiet, timid, and looking unapproachable. But I think, as always, that acknowledging your "pitfalls" is the first step...and nothing is impossible, and it is never too late.

Hugs.